I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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