I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
