watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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