Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
