come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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