Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize