I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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