You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
