party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You may now shotgun with the bride
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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