Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
