I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
