You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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