She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
