I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
His nipple licking is glorious
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