first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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