Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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