Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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