im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
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As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
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I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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