I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
