You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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