she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
