You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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