everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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