Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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