ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
