My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
