Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
