Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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