I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
