Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you