where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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