I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
