I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
