Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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