I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
