Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
