Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Oh god it's open bar.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
