I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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