it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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