After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
