hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
