I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
