Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I looked at my own cervix.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
