I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
