I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
