I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
