WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
NoShamevember. You game?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
