I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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