I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
