i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
