I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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