we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
