Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
where are my eyebrows?
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