you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
