a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
